A Breath Away From AARP

Last year, around this time, I was standing in front of my mirror, when a terrible, life-changing event occurred. I noticed a neck wrinkle.

The next day, I was at lunch with a friend of mine, who happens to speak with very animated facial expressions. I noticed that, although she is only 24 and looks about 20, she had several deep forehead wrinkles, assumedly forged by her expressive tendencies. "But I often speak with animated facial expressions," I thought to myself. "Do I have massive forehead wrinkles?!?"

Once at home, I ran to my bathroom mirror and analyzed every fine line and unnecessarily large pore. I discovered the beginnings of a potentially disastrous forehead wrinkle.

Since this discovery, I have a new-found appreciation for all the anti-wrinkle creams I used to toss in my mother's cabinet. Night creams, eye creams, fine line and wrinkle minimizers, deep set wrinkle relief... you name it, I will gently massage it into my skin in small, upward circles.

I thought I was making progress. Then last week happened.

It just so happened that two Neutrogena castings were taking place in the same location. When I arrived and looked at the board, I saw Room 8: Neutrogena. I walked over and signed in. I began to worry a bit when I noticed that I seemed to be about 20 years younger and 25lbs lighter than everyone around me. Eventually the casting director noticed me, and asked if I was there for the 'Neutrogena Bodywrap' casting. As I nodded, she smiled, took my arm, and led me to Room 6, saying "You're way too young for that one." Apparently Room 8 was casting old people, which, thankfully, did not apply to me. I felt much better.

Fast forward to the Room 6 casting director. She calls me in, we exchange small talk, and I mention the room confusion I had stumbled into. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, no, you're way too young for that one. You don't even have any wrinkles yet, at least not those kinds of wrinkles." I laughed. Kind of. WHAT DID SHE MEAN, NOT THOSE KINDS OF WRINKLES?!?
Apparently my creams aren't working. I am a few, short years away from becoming the female version of this: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/05/27/article-1022221-0165F1D700000578-996_224x335_popup.jpg

For the rest of the week, I concentrated on keeping my forehead very still... while talking, while walking, even as I slipped into deep slumber. At the end of the week, I got an email from my booker with a casting for the upcoming Monday. Juvederm. Botox. "OMFG," I thought. "She told them. The casting director told my agency I was too old and wrinkly. I am now, officially in the old woman box. They're probably going to make me get a mom haircut to capitalize on my new market." (Yes, fear of old age leads directly to paranoia.) When my initial depression lessened a bit, I reopened the email to check for details. Rate: 15k + 20%. I was giddy. I thought this was a sign. My wrinkles came just in time to make some serious money. YESSSSSSSSS.

Perhaps I was a bit overconfident, because it seemed appropriately ironic. My first cover, I was bald. My first big paycheck, I'm wrinkly. So funny you are, Jesus. Thank God your ironic humor is working in my favor for once. Isn't it much more fun when we can all laugh together?

Apparently, Jesus likes to laugh alone.

I show up at the casting. First of all, the other girls were in my age range and essentially wrinkle-free. Second, when discussing this amongst ourselves, one of them reveals her agency told her it was for the wrinkles between your nose and mouth. Like those wrinkles you get when your forty from smiling too much or wrinkling your nose too much or however you possibly get those wrinkles. To make a long story short, I don't have them. I don't even have a smidgen of a wrinkle in that area. Forehead...neck... even around the eye I could probably drum one up. But no, $15k was going to go to a girl who somehow managed to get her under-nose area to wrinkle.

Thanks, Jesus. Reading you loud and clear.