Stop Trying to Steal My Thunder

Today we celebrate my birthday. Today we also celebrate the resurrection of Jesus.

I'm just going to let that irony speak for itself.

Stop Distracting Me. GAWD.

As I drove down Santa Monica Blvd, an enormous sign blinked its Lite-Brite style message: April is Distracted Driving Awareness Month. I withdrew my gaze from the sign and noticed I was about to rear-end the person in front of me.

No, but seriously, what really happened was that I was immediately forced to pick up my Blackberry and google whether Distracted Driving Awareness Month was an actual thing.

Turns out it is.

Know what else April is? (Besides my birthday slash Easter) Autism Awareness Month.

Dear Blackberry Nazi police officers,

My cause is better than your cause. Find your own month.

Xoxo,
Stacie

Oh sh*t! Where'd that red light come from?

What? You try driving in platforms.

I'm a Grown Man I Can Take a No

Girl meets boy. Girl is so not into boy. Boy asks for girl's number. Girl debates path of least resistance.

"Do you have a card?"
This way, not only does she avoid giving him her number, but she can also make it seem a little more business-y. She doesn't want any curious onlookers to think she's actually into this dude. She has a reputation to uphold. Or would like to think she does. Or at least would like these complete strangers to think she does.

"Not on me. Here just take down my number and give me a call."
Phew. That was easy.

"Ok, it was nice to meet you. Have a great evening."
She turns to get into her car. He grabs her arm. Gently, yes, but that's still a distant cousin of domestic abuse. She pulls her arm away and gives him a look of the 'please don't ever touch me again' variety.

"Call me now, so I'll have your number."
Uuuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhh. Should have gone with the basically engaged route. This is getting messy. And taking entirely too long. Girl did not plan on spending her Saturday night talking to some rando dude. She has matzo ball soup to eat. And 30 Rock on DVR.

She calls.

"805 huh?"
Ok. Conversation is over. She is done talking. She needs to get in her car and debate whether to spend the $4.99 AT&T charges to block a number. Not that she has that piece of information at her fingertips.

"Yup. Ok bye. I gotta run. Great meeting you."
Lies. All lies.

"Ok, girl. I'll call you."
She pauses in her tracks for a moment, head cocked slightly to the left. Did he just say "ok, girl"?? Sigh. Yes. Yes he did.

Boy sends text message the next day, citing himself as the 'handsome fellow you met last night.' Girl debates whether to tell him that they met in the late afternoon, possibly even early evening, but definitely not at night. She decides against it and ignores the text.

Two days later, boy sends another text message:
"Hope u ok,,, ya know u just could have said not intrested and not go thru the motions of takin the number ya know, I'm a grown man girl I can take a no."
Followed quickly by:
"I hope this doesn't happen to you being intrested in someone and they ignore or go thru the motions."
Yes, he used commas as ellipses. He left the 'e' out of interested (twice) and, seemingly purposefully, dropped the 'g' from taking. And, "I'm a grown man girl I can take a no." Wow. Just wow. That would have been spectacular, if it weren't so annoyingly semi-colon-deprived.

She ignores these texts as well. She assumes this is the last she will hear from him.

She assumes wrong.

One month later, boy sends another text message:
"Hey girl how yo fine a** doin'?"

Needless to say, that did not garner a reply.

Girl hopes she never runs into boy again.