Because Obesity is Funny

A conversation about fat flight attendants gone awry:

Dan: "Some of them can barely fit through the aisles. They're bumping into people the whole way down."

Dad: "Stace, didn't you look into being a stewar- uh a flight attendant- and didn't you say you were too tall?"

Me: "No, I didn't look into becoming one, Dad. But yes, I looked up the requirements because Mom was talking about it. It said you have to be like under 5'8" or something like that."

Mom: "Funny how they care about you being too tall, but they don't care about you being obese."

Isn't it though?

In case you missed that, my mother called me obese. Did I mention I got a new cat?

Amazing Roommate

I've been searching Craigslist for apartments. This is one of the many gems I stumbled upon:

$950 Kosher Female Roommate / Possible Living Girlfriend Wanted (Beverly Hills Adjacent)

I have one room available for rent in my 2 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment near Pico & Doheny Blvd. (Beverly Hills adjacent). The apartment is on the top floor “3rd”, so no noise from upstairs tenants. The building has an elevator. The bedroom is very spacious and currently has a twin bed, a large dresser with mirror, and a nightstand in it for your use. You also have your own bathroom. The laundry facility is on the street level of the complex. The balcony has a great view of Century City. Free wireless internet access is provided. Utilities “water & electricity” are included in the rent. Near bus lines, banks, 10 Freeway, kosher restaurants, markets, coffee shops, and parks. As for me, I am 41 years old male and very responsible, caring, and drama free. I have never been married and have no children. I love dogs, but don’t care to own one or have dog or cat hair all over my place, so please no pets. I like my peace and quite, but also enjoy the company of the right lady. My rules are no smoking, and that includes pot, no heavy drinking or loud noise. I would also prefer to live with someone who will help me do chores and help me keep the place pretty clean. I maintain a kosher kitchen, so it is absolutely necessary for you to abide by that, or at least be a vegetarian. This could either turn out to be a living girlfriend situation, or a totally platonic and professional roommate situation. It all depends on what we are more comfortable with. I am not going to respond to one-line messages. Please type “Amazing Roommate” in the subject line, so I know that you are not a spammer and you have read the entire post. If you can read this post, that means the room is still available.

Thank God I could still read the post. I think I found my new home.

RIP Elizabeth Taylor

This is clearly a very sad day. Normally I would curse the rain outside my window, but not today. I understand, Jesus. Who doesn't feel like shedding some serious tears?

Growing up, there were certain actresses I looked up to and sought to emulate... most of them were dark haired and light-eyed, but they also gave breathtaking performances and had compelling life stories. And were really pretty.

In honor of Dame Elizabeth Rosemond Taylor's passing, I would like to share some of her quotes that have served as inspiration in many of my life choices:

"My mother says I didn't open my eyes for eight days when I was born but when I did, the first thing I saw was an engagement ring. I was hooked."

"Everything was handed to me - looks, fame, wealth, honour, love. I rarely had to fight for anything."

"I have a woman's body and a child's emotions."

"I could drink anyone under the table and not get drunk, my capacity was terrifying."

"I feel very adventurous. There are so many doors to be opened, and I'm not afraid to look behind them."

"If someone's dumb enough to offer me a million dollars to make a movie, I'm certainly not dumb enough to turn it down."

"When the sun comes up, I have morals again."

"Success is a great deodorant. It takes away all your past smells."

"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues."

"It is bad enough that people are dying of AIDS, but no one should die of ignorance."

"If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re cooked!"

"Big girls need big diamonds."

Annndd... the now a little bit sadder quote of:
"When people say, ‘She’s got everything’, I’ve got one answer – I haven’t had tomorrow."

RIP Elizabeth Taylor

P.S. Sorry for butchering your Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf monologue in high school. That was pretty bad.

Isn't it Ironic?

So there comes along an occasional a-hole who feels compelled to inform me that most of the happenings I blog about are not actually, by definition, ironic. Don't try to out-smart-ass me, thanks. For those people, hahem, that person, I provide the following definition:

Cosmic Irony: (n) The idea that fate, destiny, or a god controls and toys with human hopes and expectations; also, the belief that the universe is so large and man is so small that the universe is indifferent to the plight of man; also called irony of fate.

(definition courtesy of http://dictionary.reference.com)

That is all.

Freudian Slip?

My mother sent a text to my brother, attempting to inform him of my Prius purchase.

The text read:

"Stacie got a new cat."

Really, mom?

Fine. Let's be honest, it could have gone either way.

If You Can't Use My Visa Correctly, Don't Use It At All

For the 4th time in my life (and third time in a year), someone has stolen my credit card.

Every time this has happened, I have sat and pondered what I would do with someone else's credit card, if I were of the stealing sort. Without fail, my mind has wandered towards Chanel quilted handbags, Louboutins and a skydiving excursion I am still dying to make. Unfortunately, my own personal thieves have always seemed to suffer from a severe lack of imagination, but they do generally succeed in making me at least a little bit envious.

Example A: $600 at a hair supply store in London. That is a decent amount of Mason Pearson, Enjoy luxury conditioner, and Moroccan Oil. I want.

Example B: $975 at an electronics website. Toys. I love new toys.

Example C: A few hundred dollars at a Mexican restaurant in NY, that happens to have my favorite margaritas. Mostly due to their large size and small price point. How do you spend a few hundred dollars on $3 Margaritas? Definitely jealous.

Finally, today's example:
Example D: An unknown amount at SEVEN DIFFERENT GAS STATIONS, IN ONE DAY. You go through the trouble of crafting a counterfeit card to spend your day frolicking around gas stations?! That's just embarrassing. And a little bit rude. Especially when my car is on empty in my driveway. A-holes.