I Think I'm Really Special

I did not get the whole 'flowers on the right side, smile with teeth' memo.

What Do I Do With My Hands?

Los Angeles is full of people watchers. I, myself, am well-versed in staring down strangers, assessing and judging their appearance, attire and mannerisms. So, sometimes, when you're walking down the street, by yourself, it's easy to feel a little self-conscious.

Last Thursday, I was having one of these moments. I was walking from my friend's apartment in West Hollywood to the Whole Foods on Santa Monica Blvd. People sitting at restaurants to my left, people sitting in traffic to my right. A lot of awkward eye-contact occurred.

To make the situation worse, I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands. I started with them in my pockets, as it was a cloudy day and it seemed the appropriately schlumpy move. This would have been fine if it weren't for the fact that I suffer from severe ADD and need to change my hand position, check my blackberry, etc with an overzealous frequency.

Ok, still not a big deal. Except for the fact that the pockets on my army jacket have buttons on them that I have never bothered to unbutton; thus, when I put my hands inside them, they kind of get a little bit stuck. I have to do the whole pull down on the bottom of the jacket with my other hand while pulling the trapped hand out of the pocket. You know what I'm talking about.

So awkward.

Especially when you then realize that the blackberry you wanted to check is still inside of that pocket, forcing you to repeat previous steps.

Basically, I was having a big, huge Will Ferrell moment.

Fast forward to my acting class that evening.

One of the actors was suffering a similar fate with her hands and our acting coach stopped the scene to discuss this predicament. He referenced the above scene from Talladega Nights, noting that the reason this scene exists is because it is a common experience shared among actors. He also went on to say that it occurs when we are acting because we are aware of the fact that everyone's attention is on us - that during our general daily lives, we don't think about our hands, because we don't assume that everyone is looking at us.

...

Right. Of course not.

...

I chose to remain silent.

A Veritable Genius

"Your face is not one that is easy to not remember."

"You mean forget?"

"No, I would never forget!"

...

cricketcricket

...

"Ok."

People are so special.

I'm A Really Good Talker

In sixth grade, our gym teacher told us that our mile pace should be one that inhibited our ability to converse with our peers.

I informed her that I didn't believe in performing activities that rendered casual conversation impossible.

I wish I could remember her reply.

What Are Business Hours

Reasons we love online courses:

1. No driving, no parking, no need to get out of bed at all.

2. All quizzes are open-book.

3. No teacher to go off on tangents, distract you with their ill-fitting clothes, non-pedicured, Teva-clad feet and unkempt hairstyles circa 1997, or speak too slow, too fast or too incoherently.

4. No having to deal with avoiding the awkward attempts at conversation by classmates you have no intention of becoming friends with.

5. No chalk or overhead projectors. The dry-erase markers are kind of missed a little bit.

6. You can take them at any time and on any day of the week.

Right.

So let's focus on #6 for a moment, shall we?

I happen to be enrolled in real estate courses via Allied Schools. Mostly because, through their program, in a mere 54 days, I can complete the mandatory three courses in order to be eligible to take the Real Estate Salesperson exam.

What? I like to constantly expand my skill set.

Brief pause while I tune my guitar and finish up a French lesson.

So, back to my online courses. I was looking forward to this particular Saturday to sit down and knock out about 11 chapters and a final exam. Let's just say, I had a couple hours free. When I went online to access my courses, I found that the documents I needed to read and complete wouldn't load; instead, I received a 'Page Error' notification. I tried refreshing the page, switching browsers, restarting my computer, using a different computer, and of course the go-to of clicking every possible button slash word on the screen. At one point, I even attempted to right-click, 'Inspect Element' and try to understand ANYTHING that was on that page. (Translation: Unsuccessful.)

When I reached the point of berating the webpage with uncouth expletives and questioning the motive behind its obvious personal vendetta against me, I decided it was time to call the Educational Support line listed on the website.

They would be able to help me.

Correction: They will be able to help me. Anytime. As long as that time is Monday-Friday 8am-6pm.

Seriously?

Right.

Apparently, come Monday, I will be using my daytime minutes for the first time since the invention of the Blackberry. Until then, I will be leaving them a voicemail. And writing them an email. Possibly sending a fax. Because I'm passive-aggressive like that and I need somebody to blame.

Online course 24-hour access fail.

Glad That's Settled

me: omgomgomgogmomgomg
kylieeeeeee

improbablygonnabeacatlady: dude
how amazing is it
seriously
seriously
no joke
i love it

me: so amazing
i cant stop watching

improbablygonnabeacatlady: yup
i have watched it so many times this morning
i love kylie's outfits in the video
i love everything
love the lights
just watching it again
no big deal

me: i literally cant stop

improbablygonnabeacatlady: i love all the gay men dancers

me: the dancers
the flowy white

improbablygonnabeacatlady: i mean
this is my favorite song on the album
and this is now one of my most favorite videos of all time
i may or may not be watching it again
stacie i really wonder if we were best friends in our past life as gay men
or do you think in our next life we are coming back as full fledged gay men
this is a precursor
things to ponder

me: THOUGHT OF THE DAY

improbablygonnabeacatlady: i think we might come back as gay men in our next life
like wearing sequins everyday

me: omgomg
yessss

improbablygonnabeacatlady: OR
maybe we come back as gaycons
like kylie

me: HOW AMAZING WOULD THAT BE
BEST LIFE EVER

improbablygonnabeacatlady: there we go
THERE WE GO
our next life
gaycons

me: happy sigh

Consider the Courtesy Unextended

Photo Courtesy of Stacie Corliss

Oh. Is it? Really? Because I don't remember ever giving you the photo, courteously or discourteously.

What happened to the days when a photo credit was simply a photo credit, acknowledged with those two words, a colon and a name. I understand that the newer syntax is more eloquent, implies a certain civility, and is a marker of a polite society; I just also happen to think it's a bit presumptuous.

Ok, yes, fine, I use it. And I will keep on using it. I can't help it - the general aesthetics of the courteous credit are a definite improvement over the credit with a colon, and I'm a sucker for looks and manners. I still think it's a little weird.

These Directions Are Unclear

Have you ever taken the time to read the directions on the tube in which the magical little tablets, dubbed Airborne, are packaged?

DIRECTIONS: As a dietary supplement for adults and children 12 years and older: Simply drop (1) AIRBORNE tablet in 4-6 oz. of water, let dissolve (about 1 minute) and drink. Do not shake or cover. Repeat every 3-4 hours as necessary, no more than 3 times per day.

The directions continue with talk of breastfeeding and physicians, but those are of little to no concern to me. What is of concern to me is the fact that those directions make absolutely no sense.

Repeat every 3-4 hours as necessary, no more than 3 times per day.

Ok, well the thing with Airborne is that you're supposed to begin taking it when you think you're getting sick. I'm fairly certain, that if I think I'm getting sick, "every 3-4 hours as necessary" is going to be EVERY 3 HOURS ON THE DOT. Now, if I'm doing my math correctly... 24 hours in a day... divided by 3 hours... 8. I should be taking 8 Airborne a day. Even if you discount the 8-10 hours you sleep a night, you're still dealing with about 5 opportunities for a solid vitamin overdose.

How are you supposed to choose? Should you start earlier or end later? Maybe cut out a couple in the middle?

I feel so lost.