You Probably Won't Die

A friend of mine lives on the 3rd floor of an elevator building. This means approximately 12 seconds of excruciating boredom everytime I visit. How to fill this interminable void? This afternoon I made the mistake of passing the time by reading the warning label positioned above the number buttons:

"SHOULD THE ELEVATOR DOORS FAIL TO OPEN , DO NOT BECOME ALARMED.

THERE IS LITTLE DANGER OF RUNNING OUT OF AIR OR OF THIS ELEVATOR DROPPING UNCONTROLLABLY."

I'm sorry. WHAT? Running out of air?? Dropping uncontrollably?? And what do you mean there is little danger? Exactly how little is this danger?

Prior to reading this placard, I hardly considered either of those as legitimate possibilities. Should the doors fail to open, yes I would become alarmed. I would worry about how late I am going to be for the rest of my day, how I have to pee, or about how seriously thirsty I am....NOT about how I might be running out of air or plummeting to my death in a metal box.

So thank you, elevator warning makers, for instilling in me yet another fear. I also appreciate your sincere attempts to dispel said fear by assuring me that it probably won't happen. I feel a lot better now.

Since this post, Stacie has been diligently working on a campaign to require the installation of oxygen masks and seatbelts in all elevators. In the interim, she is taking the stairs. Her ass and calves are looking better already.