I Gotta Run to the Dentist!

For the average American citizen, going to the dentist is a mundane chore squeezed into a lunch break or in between other mind-numbing errands.

For me, it's an ADVENTURE! (That exclamation point and pre-adolescent eagerness will diminish as this post continues.)

I haven't been to a dentist for four years. 1. I have a deep-seated fear of people shoving things such as drills and their creepy fingers into my mouth. 2. I have no dental insurance and can think of several things on which I'd rather spend the money I don't have.

On my recent trip to NY, I decide to take advantage of the "friends & family discount" offered by my dentist friend. The only caveat is that his practice is in New Jersey. Whatever, this will be an ADVENTURE! Hopstop informs me that I will need to take a bus from Port Authority, transfer to another bus once in the foreign land of Jersey and I will be dropped off at the doorstep to my dentist. EASY BREEZY! This will be all kinds of fun, I'll meet all kinds of interesting people and I'll feel all kinds of independent.

The morning of the great adventure arrives. I awake on a friend's couch after a rollicking good time the night before at Juliet. (Rap Video Sundays YESSSSS) He lives close to Port Authority, so I decide to just trek on over there and make my travels in my outfit from the night before. (Short, yellow, vintage lace dress with nude lace-up 5in. wedges.)

The day starts off well. I should have known that was a bad sign. I make it to Port Authority in plenty of time to figure out how to buy a ticket and where to meet the bus. Once on the bus, I realize that everyone has done this before and I am the only idiot looking around confusedly, having no clue when or where my stop is coming. Luckily, a small black child takes me under his wing and informs me that my stop will be four stops away and to not leave the bus until the driver tells me to. This is after he went to the driver and asked him to look out for "the nice, pretty girl in braids." Yes, this child was approximately seven years old.

I make it off the first bus at the local City Hall. Stop #1 a success. I'm supposed to transfer to my next bus here. The sign affirms the fact that that particular bus stops here, unfortunately it leaves off pertinent details such as the time at which this bus arrives and how I buy a ticket for said bus.

I prop myself against a tree, hiding from the intense sun, watching each bus come. Each time, wondering if my bus if ever going to arrive. I leave to buy some gum. Brushing my teeth with my finger, as I was at my friend's apartment, was probably not the best move on dentist day. I come back and continue my watch from the shade tree. I watch webisodes on my blackberry and continue to gchat with everyone I know, still wondering if I am ever going to make it to part two of my adventure.

An hour and a half later, my bus arrives. Hmm, now about this whole ticket thing. I ask the driver how much it costs. $2.35. I hand him a $20 bill, but he shakes his head and points to the machine. I put the twenty into the machine. It reads: $1. Driver says: "You need another $1.35." I JUST PUT A TWENTY IN THERE. "It doesn't give you change." THIS DIDN'T SEEM LIKE A PERTINENT FACT TO MENTION TWO MINUTES AGO? At this point, someone on the back of the bus says: "Girl so stupid." I was loving this adventure less and less by the minute.

I sit down, contemplating the fact that I probably could have taken a cab from there for less money and wondering how I am going to figure out where my stop is. We go through an intersection and turn on Ratzer Rd. "Oh! I'm on Ratzer and Selby*," I tell the driver. He nods. I settle back into my seat. Almost there!!! My phone starts to die. The webisodes were probably a bad idea on a phone running on low battery.

Suddenly, we turn off. We're no longer on Ratzer. "Wait, are we not on Ratzer anymore?? I told you my stop was Ratzer & Selby*!!!"

The driver forgot to stop at my stop. But not to worry, he said, this bus makes a loop so we'll pass it on the way back. Cool. Except for the fact that I am now late. Whatever, I will make it. All will be fine. I text my friend that I will be late, as he normally leaves the office early on Mondays.

It took us another 45 minutes just to get to the turnaround point. By this time, the sunny day had turned cloudy and drops began to fall from the sky. The driver told me I had to get off while he took a ten minute break. Awesome. I go to wait in the little clear booth things, now freezing in my sleeveless dress. During this ten-minute period, the drops falling from the sky turn to larger drops and eventually hail. Of course.

By the time I am in back in the bus, I am soaked, freezing, my makeup from the night before has streaked down my cheeks and around my eyes. In another 10 minutes, I finally arrive at my stop. 5 hours after my adventure began.

"Hey Stacie! Great to see you. How'd you get here?"
"You too! I had a friend drop me off; it was perfect!"

I die.

*I don't remember what the actual intersection was. I sort of wish I didn't remember any of this at all.