I Am An Indian Giver. Truth.

icouldprobablyturnironyintoacupcake baked some of the most delicious cookies ever, and was kind (ahem, mean) enough to send me home with a few of them.

I ate one of the few on my long ride down on the elevator. Four floors. It’s exhausting. The other two sat in my StyleMint tote on my drive to West Hollywood. (Check that product plug. I’m going to go ahead and count them as a sponsor since they almost pay me enough to put food on my table. I still don’t have that table though, sooo maybe when that bonus comes in? That bonus. You know the one, Bossman. Proper noun.)

When I finally got to ithinkironyisSOfunny’s place, I was starving. Probably because my day’s worth of meals consisted of 20 almonds, 1 fage yogurt and 3 cookies. Maybe 4. I pulled out the bag of cookies. I was excited to share them with ithinkironyisSOfunny, because she is as big a fan of icouldprobablyturnironyintoacupcake’s baking as I am. I also figured the polite thing to do was offer them to her first.

…

I realized my mistake immediately. When I pulled them from my tote, I said “Oh, I brought icouldprobablyturnironyintoacupcake goodness!” Obviously, this inferred that I had already had more than my fair share of said goodness (truth) and these remaining two cookies were what I had set aside to share (should have been the truth, but every tooth I have is on the sweeter side, soooooo… yeah.)

ithinkironyisSOfunny was appropriately excited and appreciative. “These are amazing, aren’t they? Thank you so much!”

Urgle. Should have taken my bite on the way up the stairs. So stupid. What was I thinking?

I sat cross-legged on the floor, watching as she casually enjoyed the sweet, sweet morsels, completely oblivious to my inner struggle. She picked up the bag, ate a bite, set it back on her lap, continued conversation. I followed each step with pained attention. I did my best to respond to her friendly conversation, all the while wondering when she would tire of the perfect combination of sugar and salt, and how awkward it would be to ask if I could steal a bite of my gift of a gift.

Very. It would be very awkward. And a little bit weird. Stop judging me; you haven’t tried these cookies.

I’m going to go be fat now. Meow.